My Top 25 Songs *Actually 34 **Sorry 40

For those who have shown interest in my Top 25 songs, here goes my playlist. 

Songs are my constant companions. I may not listen to them everyday or even in months, but these songs are my ray of hope. They throw me head on in love with people, myself and life. They pull me out of boredom, sadness and loneliness. With these songs, I remember my journeys, for they are my ticket to far off lands. The nostalgia arrives unannounced and stays like birds do on well fed balconies. And together – me and these songs – we visit places and choreograph ourselves into exotic locations. I have a fully functional studio in my head and I am the lead heroine.

For who ever is reading these list, do tell me if any of these songs is among your TOP 25 or share your lists in comments below.

P.S. – I started off with 25 songs then other songs started feeling jealous so I have to include them too.

  1. Humne Dekhi Hai In Ankhon Ki Mehekti Khushboo – Khamoshi
  2. Mohe Apne Hi Rang Mein Rang Le – Ustad Shafqat Amanat Ali
  3. Pyaar Naal Na Sahi – Attaullah Khan Esakhelvi
  4. Maahi Ve – Highway
  5. Abhi Mujh Mein Kahin – Agneepath
  6. Munbe Va – Sillunu Oru Kadhal 
  7. Yaar Ko humne Ja Bajaan Dekha – Abida Parveen
  8. Zahid Ne Mera  Hasil E Imaan Nahi Dekha – Abida Parveen
  9. Yaara Sili Sili – Lekin
  10. Ae Dil Ae Nadaan – Razia Sultan 
  11. Dikhayi Diye Yun – Bazaar
  12. Zihale – E- Miskin – Ghulami
  13. Main Aur Meri Awargi – Kishore Kumar
  14. Tune Jo Na Kaha – New York
  15. Tujhe Bhula Diya – Anjaana Anjaani
  16. Sili Hawa Chhoo Gayi – Libaas
  17. Khamosh Sa Afsana – Libaas
  18. Kun Faya Kun
  19. Piya Haji Ali
  20. Khwaaja Mere Khwaja
  21. Roz Roz Ankhon Tale
  22. Tere Bina Zindagi Se Shikwa To Nahi  – Aandhi
  23. Is Mod Se Jaate Hain – Aandhi
  24. Aisa Koi Zindagi Se Waada To Nahi Tha – Thaikkudam Bridge
  25. Zinda Hun Yaar Kaafi Hai – Lootera
  26. Main Tainu Samjhaawan Ki 
  27. Waadiyaan Mera Damaan
  28. Tum Agar Saath Dene Ka Waada Karo
  29. Hazaar Raahein Mud Ke Dekhi – Thodi Si Bewafaai
  30. Nahi Saamne Ye Alag Baat Hai – Taal
  31. Jo Bheji Thi Dua
  32. Soch Na Sake – Hardy Sandhu 
  33. Patakha Guddi  – Highway
  34. Bezubaan – ABCD
  35. Lambi Judaai – Komal Rizvi
  36. Umraan Langhiyaan – Ali Sethi
  37. Chehra Kya Dekhte Ho – Salaami 
  38. Tum Ho
  39. Ab Tum Hi Ho
  40. O Naadaan Parindey / Saada Haq / Barbaad Karein Alfaaz 

& The list must continue. I should totally do my Top Fav Rafi songs. No? 

Yours,
AS

Not enough words.

There are a lot of emotions that have never been christened. Here are a few I need words for.

The emotion for when you think someone did bad to you and you wait for universe to teach them a lesson, but instead you get taught.

 *
The emotion for when you terribly love someone but hate them for not loving you back but you also understand why they wouldn’t.
  *
The emotion for when one of the voices in your head tells you to be happy but the other voice wants to curl up on the floor crying.
  *
The emotion for when your parents are unfair to you because you are their golden child so you would understand.
  *
The emotion for when you want to hold and puff a ciagrette to feel sad victimized but nobody has actually done anything bad to you.
  *
The emotion forwhen you meet old acquaintances and you realize how different you have become since that time.
  *
The emotion for when a stranger locks eyes with you.
  *
The emotion for when you come out of a denial and suddenly your ears open up to new sounds.
  *
The emotion for when you know the world does not care how talented you are. You are the only one who really enjoys your talent.
  *
The emotion for when you got out of the way to plan a surprise for someone but they think it is planned by another person and start hugging them in delight.
 *
 
 
 
I will keep adding more. Feel free to add yours in the comments. I will add to the list.
 
 
Anuradha Sharma ©
 
 

The Ampersand Love

OMG I learnt something exciting today.

So as you all know, I love everything about the Ampersand.My nain criteria of liking of font type is basically how their ampersand expresses itself. I look for class and style.

I mean, just look at this beauty.

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The way it sits like a graceful, poised woman. The way you can turn it sideways and it looks like the infinity symbol. In this picture above, it evens seems to be to extending an arm as if telling a good heartfelt story. And in its big curve hiding a chest full of stories.

To me, an ampersand is a true reflection on what I am to me.

An infinite woman. A teller and collector of stories.

Well, not that poised on the outside, but my soul is this ladylike  ampersand in lavender and white.

Which is why, I have chosen this as my blog name : The Ampersand Poise.

And if I ever win a lottery and open my dream book shop & writing retreat on the hills, that’s what it will be called. Gosh, I even love its sound.

But today I learned that “ampersand” or & was once the 27th part of the alphabet. The origin of its name is almost as bizarre as the name itself.

The word “ampersand” came many years later when “&” was actually part of the English alphabet. In the early 1800s, school children reciting their ABCs concluded the alphabet with the &. It would have been confusing to say “X, Y, Z, and.” Rather, the students said, “and per se and.” “Per se” means “by itself,” so the students were essentially saying, “X, Y, Z, and by itself and.” Over time, “and per se and” was slurred together into the word we use today: ampersand.

Tell me what is your favorite letter and why? Comment below.

Until next speed, I wish you a positive hymn of a day.

© Anuradha Sharma

 

 

My name ..

Stare at your own name .. It feels so strange.. Like strangers in the bus .. who accidently look at each other .. And quickly look away ..

You say your name in your head .. It feels like you found an old dress you used to wear as a kid .. An embarassing color .. Strange story

It’s funny .. It’s your name and others use it more than you ..
You wanted solitude .. But ypur name is an obstruction .. Anybody can call your name n pull you out from your moment of self vacation ..

Can I order a privacy lock on my name ..? Can you zipper up your lips?
Call me silence next time. Call me to stay .. not just to appease you. You

You classify me with my name. You put me on a pedestal. You pull me down to crash. On the glass floor.

You made friends with my name. Now you want it to pay you back in loyality.
What if .. I tell you .. That I have renounced my name .. Would you say I am no longer me..

What if memory refuses to serve me anymore. What if I lost papers to prove i was guilt free .. What if they said my name was something else

What then I ask ..

Coz If my name really belonged to me .. I wouldn’t need rectangles to prove my identity ..
Alas! No search leads to your name in your last birth .. even if you checked page 2 search on internet ..

They don’t want you to find out what you lost on the way to here.. They don’t want your name ruined by your sins ..

And just like that.. My new name is also my current oblivion .. My passage to future ..
And for the time being, I am to make peace with my name ..

The old dress touched to relive a memory .. The one of my name ..

The Ghosts..

sufi(Hindi Translation By Gayatri : Click Here)

There are some stark unresolved poems in me ..
Like ghosts they manifest before me ..
Then stare at me coldly to complete them..

They paralyze me.
First in fear.
Then in utter incompetence to put them in words.
In the stillness, the stare turns cold & blue.

The ghosts have chosen me to be their vessel of deliverance.

I offer them a play-field of moons & star..
And of mountains & thousands drops of river.
And of doomed rocks from eons ago.

But they refuse to flow in these vessels of everyday poetry I have.

The ghosts start to multiply.
My home has no hearth it seems.

I negotiate.
Remove the veil & reveal yourself.
In return I will get the church of white to bless holy ink on their sins.

The poems laugh..
They all look at each other & laugh.
And turn into ice.

Big. Solid. Blocks of ice.

The ghosts have left.
The blocks of ice are burning.
It is my turn to stare as some words appear through clear soot less burning.

The words too are ashes.
I was just going to give up on them ..
when I found them sitting on my lips like burning coal lumps.

Cursed. I am blessed with a curse.
To speak the coldest of all truths with the burns in my mouth.
Sorry if I be irresolute.

I release these poems back into clouds
and whirl just like Sufis do..
asking the ghosts for forgiveness.

The ghosts go back inside the mirror
framed with coppery  kohl dreams..

and then..
they start whirling with me.

Anuradha Sharma ©

Take Two

 

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Somebody on social media made an uneducated remark on divorces. They should be ignored because while everyone has the freedom of speech but not all have the sense of what it means to have that freedom.

I have been a witness to so many stories about people after divorce and most of them can be classified under Chicken soup series on the wondrous ways of the universe.

Here is one such story.

My friend was in a relationship for 11 years; 7 years of being together + 4 years of marriage. This was her one and only relationship ever, right out of school, and one which she thought was love of her life. She basically left everything to be with this person, including higher studies.

He was much older to her and had no ambition in life. As nice as he was, he was just careless about money and would spend whatever he earned on food and entertainment. After marriage she decided to pursue her studies again. So she held a job, went to school, came home, cooked and attended her husband who sat all day at home and watched TV. She was the bread maker and also the maker of the bread. She paid for his car and other expenses. So one day she told him to get a serious job. The response she got from him? “You are henpecking me.”

This is so wrong right! But she was in love. She did not know this was unacceptable. Coz when you love someone, you love them for better or for worse. So she dragged the relationship. You don’t break relationships just because one of them is lazy.  One day she asked him for ‘his’ money to fix a bathroom leak as her balance was running low. He refused to give it to her because he wanted to buy another TV. She argued that they already have two TVs in their 3 room apartment. But he was adamant he needed one in his personal room and refused to be “henpecked” by her.

This was first time they ever had an argument. She was always the subservient one and never raised her voice. She said the word because she wanted him to see that she was in pain about being the only one pulling the relationship.  But he agreed without any qualms.

At first it was just a little tiff but there was no communication from his side so it was clear it was over. Few days later he was partying up with common friends and telling everyone about the separation.

How do you feel when you say things to hurt people and they don’t even get hurt? It is the kind of loneliness that is often unexplained. Couples who fight even after divorces are better because that shows they both got hurt.

After the separation she waited for his calls, hoping everyday he would call to make up. Taking tiniest of hints and making them into stories about them getting back together. “Oh he called to get his belongings. He had that look on his face, you know. I am sure he wants us back.” or “I saw him at the mall today and he was wearing the same shirt I got him. I am sure he misses me”

One by one the stories she told herself started to fade and she was left nothing but her own words, which too, had stopped to soothe her. She would call us and just cry for hours. Remember the famous drunk crying scene from movie Queen. She would cry like that but there was no funny undertone to it. It was all serious and it was all happening.

It is funny that she was the one who called off the marriage after 11 years of consistent servitude but she was the only one feeling sad about it. She oscillated between hope and hopelessness, like patients of bipolar syndrome do. She was crushed because she was invested in this relationship. It mattered to her. All she wanted to change was him to be responsible. It wasn’t that she wanted to leave him. Too much to ask?

Anyways, an year later, they sold their apartment and finalized the divorce. It all ended the day after the divorce papers were signed and she was sitting in mourning. He called. She was so happy that he called. She wiped her tears and answered, ready to make it work if there was still a chance.

The call was about him getting his share in the money she got from the selling of the apartment. The one he never paid a penny for or took care of. Her family was all against it and told her to go to court. But she called him the next day and gave whatever money she had to him.

And this is what she said to him.

“This money is not because I owed you anything but because all lessons in life must be paid for. Thank you for calling me yesterday. It feels amazing. I finally found out what I did wrong all these years. I tried giving you a home but all you wanted ever was money. The divorce is the best ever present you could ever give me. I am grateful.”

He took the cheque and left.

She was homeless, penniless and deliriously happy.

That was two years ago.

In the last two years, she has made lemonade with the lemons she got. She is now a business woman starting her own work, goes to college for further studies and also works as a part-time child counselor.

I am also happy to report that a few weeks ago she has married again. To the first guy she dated right after the divorce. Anything said about her husband would be full of clichés so I will just say he is like Amol Palekar and Salman Khan all rolled into one; down to earth, hardworking and generous to the core of his soul.

Here is a story that proves that divorce is just a speed breaker not the end. It is so hard to come out of a loveless marriage because people only accept divorces if there is violence or cheating involved. But good for her she took her mental health as importantly. Good for her that she wanted love and not the fake sense of security marriages promise.

She is blessed.In fact, her happy ending has just begun.

– Anuradha Sharma ©

The side effects of a delayed goodbye..

Stop that self pity and get up to fight.
The hardest ever task in the world is to love yourself. Yet, even harder is to tell someone that they need to love themselves. Especially people who have been in a unbalanced relationship for years, find it hard to suddenly start being ‘selfish’.
Why do we choose wrong kind of relationships for ourselves? May be it’s greed. Greed to full ourselves. We are greedy hungry people. And top that with spiritual naivety. Voila! Deadly. The idea of love is so magical. We’d pick the first person we got attracted to and call it The One. We close all our senses after falling in love because we just love that feeling and we don’t want mind to play tricks on us now. The more love is difficult, the more we are convinced that this is the one. Thank You, Bollywood.
When the object of our affection starts to loose interest in us, we go crazy angry & act insane. They call us insecure and we GLADLY accept it. Gladly because it’s easier to accept we belong to an asylum than to accept that they changed. That it was never the magical love.
And this non-acceptance is what enslaves us. This is where it goes unbalanced. This is where you should have let them go. This is where the door is closed. Accept it or not. Now they have power over you. Now their heart isn’t into you. They aren’t weak for you. Now, they don’t have the same hunger as you do. Congrats! You now have a relationship with yourself where the second half is a skeleton from the life gone by. Perfect time to get married.
Yes, we do get married thinking it is forever and this is the perfect way to keep them with us. Marriage and baby changes everything. Not! Now you are finally in a vicious circle. You ‘bought’ all components of happiness. You are not happy. They still don’t care. They still don’t see you. You made a paper house. They live in it with zero gratitude. They never wanted it as much. And the paper house begins to crumble. One lie at a time. The beautiful house you built is just a pile of over cooked oats which they throw on your face because you it was too hot for them to eat.
Congrats! They won. Please pick up your pieces when you leave and shut the door behind you.
<Insert your own two minutes of silence here.>
We sometimes rape our own worth. Stop doing that. Learn to let go of people who don’t want to stay. In fact, call a cab.
Don’t delay the goodbye. It only gets worse.
 

My First Post. Hello.

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This is my first post. Hello.

I do not know what to post. So I will post this picture of Gulzar saab in his library/study. Don’t know what is about it but it has the same effect on me as sitting in a spiritual place, or watching a sunset, or watching the moon watching over us.

This is the place where many moons come for their pilgrimage, rains confess its burdens, rivers find a way to touch his feet and the mountains come to bow in reverence. And words.. well words are this man’s Lego. He builds towns and cities with words..  and in these towns and cities, there are oceans of emotions, not yet tapped by the average human mind. This man talks of an era before us and of an era beyond us.

Gulzar, the poet, the writer, who puts us to sleep each night.. and then lullabies moons and stars in our dark nights.

Anuradha Sharma